The Lord Of The Rings : The Return Of The King
A Review, by T. Degenerate esq.
A Review, by T. Degenerate esq.
Let me put my cards on the table. I was a Subbuteo player, not a D&Der. I rate the original Star Wars trilogy as the ultimate fantasy experience and, though I thoroughly enjoy Terry Pratchett, I don't get the Tolkein references because I've never read the LOTR.
So, how am I to react to Peter Jackson's trilogy?
The first film was, well, dull. We're walking, and we're walking, and we're walking. For fuck's sake do something. OK, the wraiths were pretty cool and the character development was spot-on but, really, number two better pick the pace up a bit.
The Two Towers was more like it. A finely-tuned balance between plot and character development with some genuinely jaw-dropping scenes. Still not exactly my pint of Stella, but enjoyable hokum nonetheless.
And so we come to The Return of the King. We're promised a feast of storytelling which will tie it all together. We're promised that we won't be disappointed.
So, when did Alastair Campbell get the PR gig, then?
Opening with Gollum's transformation was OK if a bit out-of-place (was this part of the narrative elsewhere in the books, I wonder?). Then we're walking again.
Y'know, I can't actually remember what happened when last night? Stunning visuals for sure (with the exception of one scene which I'll come back to) and, yes, I suppose the story did unfold in a sort-of-logical way, but my over-riding impression when the lights went up was that it was the duff stuff that had stuck in my mind.
1) Battle of Big Cliff-Side City. Oh look! The orcs are knocking the walls down with rocks! Don't they fall easily? Why don't they just knock out the bottom layer and watch everyone get buried in the rubble?
2) Battle of Big Cliff-Side City (contd). Looks like the end for our heroes. What's that? Oh, it's Rohan and his, what did he say? 6000 men? Against a quarter of a million ugly orcs on angel dust? Not going to last long, is it?
Huh? WHY THE FUCK ARE THE ORCS RUNNING AWAY?? JACKSON YOU FUCKER, EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!!!! No? Oh well...
3) Battle of Big Cliff-Side City (contd contd). Ah! The orcs' reinforcements (some sort of buccaneer creatures) have arrived! Or have they? No! It's Aragorn and Legless and a cast of thousands of Mummy Returns extras. So, they hijacked the ships did they? When? How?? WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME, PETER????
4) Battle of Somewhere Else. By 'eck, lad, these flying dragonny things are funky and they're making mincemeat out of our heroes! Ah, but HERE COME THE EAGLES! THE EAGLES ARE COMING!! Gonna scare off Sauron's hoards with a 35 minute version of Hotel California, no doubt. Please, please can someone please explain the significance of the eagles???
5) Meanwhile, in Mordor. Oooh!! FUCKING big spider!!! See that, love? When you get one like that in the bath then you can come running out screaming for me to get rid of it (but not kill it coz that would be cruel). Good scene.
6) Mount Doom. Yeah, yeah, so Frodo and Sam get rid of the ring then do a mean Indiana Jones impression to get out of the mountain. They run out of the door and jump clear of the lava flow and.... Hang on, how much did the special effects cost?? Coz that jump scene was the most obvious blue-screen since the seventies. Trust me - watch out for it, I half expected Judith Hann to come on and explain this "wonderful new technology".
7) Big Eye Thing. That's Sauron? Scarey my arse, it's not like he's going to hide under your bed, is it?
8) Maybe Big Cliff-Side City, maybe Somewhere Else, can't remember. Pretty bird (Rohan's daughter?) and annoying Hobbit killed monster awfully easily. If he'd been an end-of-level boss in Tomb Raider then he'd have lopped off a Hobbit foot at least.
9) The End. Nice scene at Big Cliff-Side City. Aragorn's King!! Everyone loves Hobbits!! Aaaawww!!
10) No, Wait, There's More. Back to the Shire and the SuperHobbits drive in like they've been off camping for a weekend. No ticker-tape welcome. I don't think anyone even bought them a drink. Ungrateful fucking Hobbits, WE SAVED YOUR FUCKING ARSES FROM THE BIGGEST, BADDEST, erm, EYE THING EVER AND YOU WON'T EVEN BUY US A PINT?? Ah, but Sam's gonna shag that little bird he fancies. Oh look, they're getting married. They all lived happily ever after, The End.
11) Oh No, My Mistake. Yeah! Guest appearance by Bilbo!! He's going away with the Elves. So's Gandalf. So's Frodo. erm, why? PETER!! YOU MISSED A BIT OUT AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU?? Bye then. The End.
12) For Fuck's Sake, It's The Film That Never Ends. It's getting like Bill Withers' Lovely Day. Stop it now please, OK, Sam's got babies, he's going to live happily ever after.
TITLES
erm, Peter, I don't mean to be a pain or anything, but WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DWARF??? Blame Tolkein if he didn't give you any clues, but you showed us what happened to everyone else, man!!??
CONCLUSION:
The fanboys'll love it, it won't win any converts.
Biggest difference between LOTR:ROTK and Love, Actually?
I enjoyed Love, Actually
Christmas is all around me, come on and let it snow...
