Linda and I aren't really antisocial. We comment regularly that we don't "do" people but, in honesty, this is a reaction to the fact that, thus far, we have achieved what we have in spite of, rather than thanks to, others. It's not that we don't like company, we just don't need it; we've got each other and that's a lot, y'know?
One upshot is that it makes our occasional nights out with like-minded friends that little bit more special.
So, Vampires Rock at the Blackpool Opera House; where to begin?
Steve Steinman is a jammy bastard, will that do? Talk about being in the right place at the right time. For the uninitiated, Steve was a losing contestant on an early series of Stars In Their Eyes, but he made a good enough impression (pun intended, obviously) to launch himself onto the circuit and become Britain's number one Meatloaf tribute act.
Thing is, he looks about as much like Meatloaf as I do; Steve looks more like Alexei Sayle, or maybe the wrestler Kane. This hasn't, however, stopped him building a sizeable and loyal fanbase and he sells out venues up and down the country with what is, in effect, a glorified pub covers band.
None of these guys look any more like Meatloaf than I do.
His current show tries really hard to recapture the spirit of Rocky Horror but falls desperately short. The narrative can be summarised as follows;
Our narrator, Stringfellow, guides us through the tale as Baron von Rockula (Steinman), a vampire who owns a nightclub, auditions singer Pandora Honey Rosiebox (yes, there are lots of weak "box" jokes throughout). She falls for him (without even putting up a fight), gets turned into a vampire and they marry (these last two steps might've been the other way around).
That's it. No twists, no turns, just boy meets girl and they bonk happily ever after.
I mean, come on! Baron von Rockula? Even Eurovision metal monsters Lordi would turn their noses up at a name like that!
This flimsy script links together an assortment of songs from The Greatest Rock Cliche Album In The World... Ever! to give us the world's first hair-metal pantomime. Strangely, it kind of works.
The backing band is competent if not earth-shattering, though their harmonies could do with some work. Lead vocal duties are shared between Rockula, Pandora and Stringfellow.
What quickly becomes apparent is that Steinman can only sing "as" Meatloaf; consequently, we learn what the inevitable 'Loaf covers album (everyone else seems to be doing one) is going to sound like.
For the record - Welcome to the Jungle (surprisingly good), If You Want Blood (likewise), Since You've Been Gone (disappointing), Here I Go Again (fair-to-middling), Highway to Hell (laughably bad).
It's ironic that he sounds least like Meatloaf when he's singing - you guessed it - Meatloaf songs. He simply hasn't got the range for Deadringer For Love or Bat Out of Hell.
Pandora (played by a second Stars In Their Eyes failure, Emily Clark) first appears as a dowdy Su Pollard lookalike but is then transformed into a vamp-y (again, pun intended) rock chick. She takes centre stage for Holding On For A Hero (her "Stars..." moment - a straight copy of the original), Don't Stop Me Now, Alice Cooper's Poison (nice rework) and Devil Gate Drive.
Sadly for Emily, I met Suzi Q a few weeks back and I'm afraid that the divine Miss Quatro is far sexier, fully clothed and nearly sixty, than "Pandora" could ever be.
Stringfellow is the Buttons/RifRaf character and isn't nearly as funny as he should be. The over-egged "joke" that he likes Abba falls a bit flat since, let's be honest, everyone likes Abba. He takes vocals on a few songs but I'm buggered if I can remember any of them - largely forgettable.
Vocal highpoint of the show was the Pandora/Rockula duet version of Total Eclipse Of The Heart which made way more sense than the original and had me wondering what a genuine Meatloaf/Bonnie collaboration might sound like.
Then there was Fingers.
If Steinman has struck it lucky, the losing hand must've been dealt to Eddie Ojeda. What is Eddie Ojeda doing touring a show like this? This guy has been with Twisted Sister for over thirty years; he played on Hear'n'Aid; he's a real, live icon! He must be getting paid well, must be.
We get precious little demonstration of his talent - just a couple of short solos - but enough to show he is far and away the most talented guy on the stage (if not in the auditorium ~taps nose knowingly~). Eddie closes out the show by leading the crowd in a rousing version of Sister anthem We're Not Gonna Take It.
Oh, and we got a drum solo.
Look, can we stop pretending now, please? For nearly 40 years rock fans have been subjected to five minutes (somethimes, heaven forbid, more) of rat-a-tat-fucking-tat in the middle of gigs.
We know drummers are talented guys and that the sound would be rubbish without you, but it isn't a solo instrument. Drumming is pretty crap without all the other guys (you know, the musical ones) playing along so just DON'T DO IT, OK?
Just Say NO to drums, kids.
Am I glad I went? Hell, yeah! Would I pay to go back? Well, the wife enjoyed it.
And the company was good.
Right. It's nearly December. I'm off to dig out the Twisted Sister Christmas Album and annoy the family for a while.
Two Twisted Sisters - Linda'n'Eddie
One of these guys is a mind-blowing guitarist
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